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Cloverfield 2: Reckoning of the Fanboi

Dateline - New York, NY January 19, 2008

The real monster is man.  A man.  Named JJ. It has been a mere 24 hours since the midnight opening of Cloverfield, but the carnage and flaming death still surrounds Lower Manhattan, as groups of 250' tall fanboys war across the island.

"I don't understand!" screamed one of the combatants, identifying himself only as AbramsLove69, before hurling a shiny, new 2008 Shelby Mustang through the side of building, "how can you not like this movie! you just don't 'GET IT'!"

"What is there to get? The movie isn't about the monster, monster movies never are," retorted HalfVulcanWizard while taking cover behind the smoking remnants of the Citigroup Headquarters, "but if you're going to sell me on the human drama, then make the characters something I can RELATE TO YOU TOOL!"

Similar scenes are playing themselves out all across the island of Manhattan, with National Guard troops seemingly helpless to defend against the growing violence.

"They seem to be impervious to conventional weaponry," said Sgt. Timothy Scott, who is serving as press liason for the military, "We've tried everything: logic, de-escalation of the situation, reminding them that its just a movie, everything, but nothing is seeming to temper the violence."

No element of the film, it seems can escape criticism and violent retorts from the monstrous combatants.

"This movie is a brilliant allegory, which deals with complex issues," blurted JJMakesMeCream23 before crashing through a Calvin Klein billboard, "Have you even read the backstory, or Rob's MySpace page? This was an amazingly brave project undertaken by Bad Robot, the mythos is so complex and intricate, and the cinematography was so amazingly fresh and ground-breaking!"

She was shortly joined by a Shell Oil Tanker-wielding friend named JJisLOVE, who added to the chorus by saying that the opposing side was "just mad that there's no closure. You guys probably liked the American Godzilla, you guys are so stupid. You don't need closure. Was there closure after 9/11? This movie is the story of modern America, you guys probably voted for Bush and shop at Wal-Mart."

"Why don't you take JJ's cock out of your mouths for a second and realize this movie is SHIT!" echoed a reply down the shattered alleyways.

But the terror above-ground is only half of the story, as it seems the streets and subways have been infested by some sort of giant parasites, and residents are encouraged not to leave their homes if they have not yet evacuated.

"After running tests on the mysterious objects, we have determined that the fanboy monsters seem to be sluffing off a mixture of giant dandruff, head lice, and Cheetos," explained Sgt. Scott, "While the Cheetos and dandruff pose no threat once they are on the ground, it appears that the head lice, some as big as small cars, have begun attacking-- OH MY GOD WE'VE GOT A BITE!"

For many here in Manhattan, the nightmare that was opening night of Cloverfield may continue on indefinitely.

For WNN this is Blatant Productplacement reporting.

Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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