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Amazon Unveils 'One-Click Marriage'

Dateline Seattle, WA - February 13, 2007

In an attempt to merge its already profitable retail sales business with the growing trend of Internet dating, today announced an integrated online dating and marriage program. This program will work through its standard storefront, and will provide shoppers with 'one-click' access to the husband or wife of their dreams.

"This is really the culmination of years of market research," CEO Jeff Bezos said to a breathless audience, "We have found that our customer base likes being able to purchase a wide variety of items, without having to shop around excessively. We are hoping that through our One-Click Marriage program, we can allow our customers to continue defining their personalities with a minimum amount of effort."

Bezos then went on to detail how a user may work the one-click marriage functionality into their daily Amazon routine.

"After setting up our profile online, which ties to our shopping history so potential mates can see our taste in consumables, mate profiles are displayed in our Gold Box. We then have 60 minutes to take one, or it will be replaced with another potential spouse from our pool of customer profiles. We feel that 60 minutes is enough time to shop around for a wedding ring, perhaps some home appliances, maybe some mass produced corporate art to decorate your new home, and then come back and finally hit the 'Click to Marry' option. Happiness has never been simpler."

But what if things don't work out between you and your spouse?

"All One-Click Marriages come with a 30 day money-back Prenuptual Agreement. This provides you with the protection you need to explore your options, before making the full jump to committment. If your spouse doesn't work out, return them to the pool before your 30 days is up with our One-Click Annulment, and you are free from obligation. You can even leave a review on their profile to let others know what to expect."

The response from users has been overwhelmingly positive, with over 3000 users signing up in the first day. One user commented to WNN that he, "...couldn't wait to try out the One-Click Marriage, but not before purchasing a brand new vacuum for [his] new spouse to use in between runs to the kitchen, which [he] could now do all in one place..."

Another unidentified woman said she was excited, and was already buying herself wedding presents, including a new couch, a new mp3 player, and some decorations. "This is the happiest day of my life, I feel like Amazon has finally let me complete myself," she said, "I hope that they have a husband that comes in earth tones to match the couch."

For WNN this is Gogo Internets reporting.

Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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