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GAO Report: We're All Going to Die

Dateline Washington, DC - March 12, 2007

A new report from the Government Accounting Office reveals that the US Department of Energy is only making "limited progress" securing the world's supply of dangerous radioactive material.

"Many of the highest-risk and most dangerous sources still remain unsecured, particularly in Russia," the GAO writes (MSNBC). "Specifically, 16 or 20 waste storage sites across Russia and Ukraine remain unsecured while more than 700 RTGs [radioisotope thermoelectric generators] remain operational or abandoned in Russia and are vulnerable to theft or potential misuse."

The report goes on the explain that "by misuse, we mean terrorism. By terrorism, of course, we mean that Al-Qaeda is going to come to your town, detonate a bomb, kill you with radiation poisoning, then take your pure, white daughters and force them to be sex slaves to the unwashed Persian hordes."

A GAO spokesman explained the report's conclusions.

"We felt that this was as good a time as any to release the report," said Fear U. Doubt, spokesman for the GAO, "Americans seem to be distracted by college basketball, fires in California, and other topics which aren't terrorism. With the success of the propaganda film, '300', we felt that it was a good time to remind Americans that Persians, or Iranians as they are called today, want them dead. The overall thesis of this report is to tell America that its ok to enjoy leisure activities, and surely spend money, but always remember that dark people want to take your freedom."

For WNN this is Golden Codpiece reporting.

Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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