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Fed Unveils New Plan to Combat Economic Downturn
Dateline - Washington, DC, March 17, 2008
In an effort to combat growing negative pressures on the US Economy, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke today unveiled a new marketing campaign aimed squarely at getting momentum back on the side of economic growth. Entitled, "Depression Fever: Catch It!", the campaign focuses on the positive aspects of economic depression, and how the average American can capitalize on complete financial collapse.
"We have designed this campaign to highlight the greatness of America during the 1930s," Bernanke told reporters, "We've hired on Richard Thomas, better known for his portrayal of John Boy Walton on The Waltons, to be our spokesman. We also plan a full print and televised media campaign to show americans that the coming economic depression is nothing to be feared."
In addition to Thomas, it is expected that Martha Stewart will be signed into the campaign, to show Americans how to maintain their lavish lifestyles without credit cards or readily attainable luxuries such as clean food and water.
"You can recycle your goverment issued weekly milk ration cartons by using them to retread your shoes, its a good thing," Stewart responded when asked for a sample of her tips for Americans.
When asked for comment, President George Bush was full of praise for the job Bernanke and his team have done with the campaign.
"I think Benny's doing a heckuva job," Bush said, "This campaign really stresses the...common values that Americans across the country can rally around. Our...great national parks...our common struggle...our complete disregard for economic sustainability and common sense during times of manufactured prosperity followed by our complete inability to take responsibility when that bubble of false wealth pops."
The ads, scheduled to begin rotation on major news networks and on billboards through America this summer, also emphasize the value of voluntary sterilization.
"The last thing our economy needs is more people," Bernanke said, "If voluntary sterilization doesn't go over well, then we'll just have to start mandating it. Well, that or we start eating the morbidly obese."
For WNN this is Payme Ineuros Orgold reporting.
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Last Updated: August 5, 2010 Copyright 2010 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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