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US Army Opens Basic Training Camp at Gitmo

Dateline - Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, April 21, 2008

Dammit numbnuts, I said choke yourself! Citing declining enlistment numbers and growing stress on deployed personnel overseas, the US Army today officially opened its newly renovated enlistment and basic training school at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The facility, built on top of the former enemy combatant detention facility, will give the US Army the ability to rapidly train and deploy new infantrymen, many of whom will be recruited from detainees brought in for interrogation.

"It really just makes sense for us," said John P. Boyce Jr of Army Public Affairs, "We're already issuing more and more waivers for felons and suspected terrorists domestically (link). This is just the next logical step."

The new $400m facility at Gitmo combines the detention, interrogation, and punitive duties of the base with a new recruitment and basic training responsibility, giving the US Army a vast, untapped captive audience from which to draw new recruits. But this, along with the growing trend of felony waivers, leads many to be wary of the new US Army. Those fears, say Boyce, are unfounded.

"Ideally we'd love to continue using our legacy recruitment techniques," Boyce said, "But as it stands, only 3 in 10 Americans of military age meet our stringent medical, moral, aptitude or administrative requirements. So what do we do? Americans aren't gonna get less fatter and more in shape, so we figure we'll cut the red tape, turn a blind eye on the whole morality thing and the other two will take care of themselves."

But is this trend a slippery slope, where does one draw the line on who can and cannot enlist?

"Its not like we'll just let anyone in the military, just terrorists and felons. We still won't let any of those damn drunks or potheads in, you saw what they did to Vietnam. Besides, most of our detainees here have taken a sworn oath to defend 'their country', we're just going to redefine 'their country'. What could go wrong?"

For WNN this is Recruit AlQaeda reporting.

Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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