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Luke Helder: Pipe Bomber
Dateline Reno, NV - May 9, 2002
Luke Helder met with his parents today inside a Reno jailhouse, the first time the parents of the 21-year-old college
student had seen their son since he went on what Reno Police Cheif Dick Kirkland called "a 5-state pipe-bomin good ol'
time". Just what the family talked about in the jail-house is unknown at this time, however, upon exiting the jailhouse
Helder's father was seen crying and mumbling something about "Bubba" (NOTE: I think someone is smoking a
joint outside my office window atm...perhaps its actually coming from inside the office...this news story will
continue in 5 minutes after I search this out).
Luke Helder came into the national spotlight when he was fingered (as he will be for the next 40 years to life in a
state correctional facility) as the prime suspect in a rash of pipe-bombings across the Midwestern US. Upon being
apprehended in Nevada over the weekend, Helder smiled and calmly admitted to the bombings. He said that the odd
pattern of the bombings was an attempt to "...draw a happy face on the map", which dispelled earlier rumors that
they were, in fact, an estimate of the projected size of Helder's rectum after he is sent to Iowa State Prison. When
asked to comment on this situation, Strom Thurmond said the following:
"The South will rise again! Praise the lord and pass the Viagra!"
He then promptly tumbled down 6 flights of stairs, bounced up and ran around the halls of congress wearing the
Confederate flag like a cape.
For WNN News, this is Smoka Lottaweed reporting.
Single Sex Schools
Dateline Washington, DC - May 9, 2002
In an attempt to roll back the hands of time over 3 decades, the Bush Administration today unveiled a plan to "encourage
public school districts to establish single-sex schools". This decision comes on the heels of a scandal involving a
Southern California Vice Principal allegedly pulling up the skirts of girls at the school prom in an attempt to make
sure the girls were wearing appropriate underwear. When asked to comment about the incident, 17 year old Billy Bong
Thornton replied, "Dude, all I saw was a bunch of panties in the air, then I started wavin my joint like I just didn't
care man, hehehe. Then I got arrested..."
When asked to comment about the Bush Administration's new policy, Former President Bill Clinton, who's eyes were rolled
back in his head, replied:
"Hey...if the kids wanna have some non-sexual relations, I say let em." He then shushed this reporter out of the room
as an unnamed blonde woman emerged from under the desk.
Some other propositions by the Bush Administration in the post Sept. 11 world have included: Repealing the right to
vote for senior citizens, women, minorities, and the State of Florida; Banning foreign students from studying
engineering courses in US colleges; and the legalization of Crack Cocaine.
For WNN News, this is Poonie Tang reporting.
In other news, my sys admin (after telling me that he had no idea what I meant when I said that I needed access to the
web server) informed me that downloading a 30 day trial, shareware, version of WinZip without intent to buy it was
illegal........For WNN News, this is Waldo signing off.
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Last Updated: February 12, 2012
Copyright 2012 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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