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Iceberg Terrorism
Dateline Antarctica - May 13, 2002
A giant iceberg known as C-18 broke loose last week from the Ross Ice Shelf. Many scientists have flocked to the scene
of the scene to study this iceberg.
The White House, upon hearing the news, immediately scrabled F-15 fighter jets to intercept the iceberg should it
enter US waters. When asked about the decision, George Bush said the the iceberg "posed an imminent threat to the
security of the citizens of the United States." When asked to clarify that statement, due to the fact that
icebergs move extremely slowly, and would likely pose no threat to the continent of the United States, Bush
retorted, "Well, we didn't think commercial airliners would be turned into bombs either did we? We have to remain
one step ahead of Al Queda's attempts to harm the citizens of the United States. On the matter of time, we don't
care how long this war takes. We are here to make the world safe for our children and children's children, Let's
Roll. Yee Haaaaaw!"
And it appears as though the Bush Administration means business. Already Vice President Cheney has been
dispatched to speak with the ruler of Antarctica, King Penguin III. There are also reports of US special forces
on the ground working closely with penguins in training for a possible joint military operation. It appears that
Antarctica may well be the next front in the war on terrorism. We will follow this developing story, should any
further developments ensue.
For WNN News, this is Freezin Mahballzoff reporting.
Carter in Cuba
Dateline Havana, Cuba - May 13, 2002
The streets of Havana were packed with thousands of cheering citizens today (with bayonets pressed against their
backbones, but we'll ignore that for now) as Jimmy Carter landed for his historic visit with Fidel Castro. Cheif
on the list of talking points is the issue of bio-chemical weapons, which the Bush Administration claims as being
covertly developed by the Cuban government under the guise of a world-class biotechnology industry.
So far in his travels Carter said that he "Had seen no sign that the Cubans are developing chemical or biological
weapons of mass destruction". He further added, "I mean, look at this country, their leader hasn't changed out of
the same set of BDUs in 50 years, how could they afford to develop weapons of mass destruction?" Cheers were
heard for the crowd as Carter said this, along with chants of "Hooray for Poverty".
When asked for comment Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs said, "Baseball been very very good to me"
The Bush Administration has seemed very distraught over Carter's visit, calling as goals "Very hypocritical to US
policy towards Cuba".
"As it is well known, US policy is world-renowned for its consistent, logical, cool-headed approach to situations.
We feel that at this time, Former President Carter is undermining this approach in Cuba by examining the
biotech plants up close with Castro", Ari Fleisher told the news media in response to a cackling question from the
mummified Helen Thomas of UPI.
For WNN News this is Smokina Cohiba reporting.
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Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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