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Strong BM Only Thing Holding Him Together

Dateline - Seattle, WA May 21, 2010

Despite a deepening depression, brought on by the stresses of both the workplace and home, local sysadmin Jim Johnson can take solace in his sole daily indulgence: a firm bowel movement.

"I usually try to crap twice a day, to be honest," Johnson told WNN, "Sometimes in the afternoon it doesn't come out, but I usually go in there anyways. Make an effort, and such."

Johnson, 36, has slowly become a crumbling facade of a man, weighed down by growing debt, a job he doesn't want, and a marriage sustained more by a sense of duty than devotion to a partner. However, through it all, one constant has remained his workmanlike approach to digestive health.

"It used to be kinda fun, back right after college. We'd all sort of time our shitter breaks, and figure out much we just got paid to crap," he added, "Two months ago, my salary got cut by a third. The old shitter calculation wasn't so fun then."

Johnson's rectal health, however, is not universally lauded.

"I don't know what he's doing in there," scorned Patrice Lewis of Accounts Payable, "I swear sometimes I walk by the bathroom door and I hear him crying. He needs to care more about why my check printer is broken, and less about how much fiber is coming out of his rear end."

For his part, Johnson seems unphased by the relentlesss demands of co-workers who view him only as a disposable resource, or by his troubles at home with kids he contends "weren't really in the plans".

"Really, I think it'll all be ok, so long as I have my time in there."

For WNN, this is Ifonly Thiswasreallysatire reporting.

Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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