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Area Man Checks Into Rehab

Dateline - Seattle, WA July 17, 2008

I'll rehab, alright.  All over your FASE...shit. Despite the objections of his friends and co-workers, local database administrator Bruce Williamson is checking himself into rehab. But for Williamson, this isn't for alcohol or drugs, sex addiction or gambling. Indeed, this isn't any ordinary rehab, but what Bruce calls "meme rehab."

"Its really hard, you know. Just like my GIANT WANG," said Williamson, 43, the twice divorced father of 3 children, all of whom live with their respective mothers, "People really think I'm funny. But at the end of the day, all I'm doing is adding -kkake to the end of simple words. The breaking point, for me, was in the supply cabinet at work. Staplerkkake is just not funny, anymore."

Williamson, or just Bruce to his closest friends, most of which abandoned him during what he refers to as the "Chappelle Phase", says the change in his "comedy repertoire" is necessary. He doesn't want to become "predictable", he told WNN., despite being the "life of the party" at company gatherings.

"It got to the point where we just didn't ask Bruce to come to lunch anymore," says one co-worker who wishes to remain anonymous, "Every day we'd ask what he wanted, and he'd always says the same damn shit. 'I can has cheeseburger' Fuck man...just fucking really? Who the fuck says that shit? 'DBA cat watches you query.' How about 'Co-worker cat fucked your ex-wife in the coat room at the Hilton.' You like that one? Jackass."

Indeed, many of his co-workers, WNN has discovered, found Williamson secretly offensive and unfunny. But were unwilling to confront him directly, preferring to take their issues up indirectly.

"Haha, at the company barbeque last year, I was in the park restroom," said another of Williamson's co-workers, who also wished to remain anonymous, "Then his drunk-ass ex-wife stumbles in and starts blowing me right there. What else was I going to do? Yeah I had a lot of fun that day, with her FASE! Get it Bruce? Douchebag."

For WNN, this is Jeffgoldblum Watchingyoupee reporting.

Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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