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Return Immediately to Me My Penis

Dateline - Washington, DC, August 5, 2010

By Special WNN Op-Ed Commentator Geoff Morrell:

Please return all 100k copies of my penis... Hi guys, good afternoon. I have, uh, a brief opening statement and then we'll get to questions.

On Tuesday, it came to my attention that a leak had occurred from a "social network" to which I am a member. This network, to which I had assumed was accessible only by myself and my wife, contained classified and potentially sensitive material, namely, my penis. I would like to, today, strongly encourage those parties currently in possession of my penis to immediately cease the unauthorized and inappropriate use thereof. Furthermore, I would strongly request that all versions of my penis, obtained directly or indirectly from the offending parties, be returned to me immediately and permanently deleted from possession.

The penis is the property of myself, and my pants, and impending public disclosure of my penis would threaten not only myself, but my wife, and my children, and could threaten the stability of my part of the world. I would suggest that any further brazen solicitation of my penis would immeasurably undermine my agenda in the Morrell bedroom.

A final note, I am not merely standing pat, waiting to receive my penis. I have already begun prophylactic work, with my partner and secretary, who has been able to review the extent of my penis, partly flaccid, in order to understand the magnitude of the leak. While she is not currently in possession of my penis, she has been thoroughly reviewing the penis in order to conduct harm minimization. It has already been almost a week with my penis just hanging around out there for anyone to index, database, and mine for weakness.

In closing, the task force that has been reviewing my penis, currently up to 80 personnel, would like to appeal to the parties involved to do the right thing, expunge all copies of my penis from their records and return my penis to the rightful owners.

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Last Updated: February 12, 2012
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