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America Votes 2008, Day -20: Presidential Debate 3: Talk HARDER!: Instant Analysis
Dateline - Hofstra Univ., NY October 15, 2008
Waldo: Greetings and welcome to WNN up-to-the-minute coverage of tonight third and final Presidential Debate between Democratic nominee Barack Obama and Republican nominee John McCain. I am joined, as always, by the Most Awkwardly Masochistic Threeway in politics. On my left, Ann Coulter, and on my right Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin: Thanks Waldo, and if I may, I'd like to take a moment to thank the good people of Wasilla Main Street, the Wasilla Parent Teacher Association, and Sen. Ted Stevens for thier support during this campaign.
Ann Coulter: See Waldo, that's what a real, gracious woman looks like. Also, I can't help but notice you failed to call Sen. Obama by his Allah-given full name, Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Typical left-wing coverup artist.
W: As always, you're keeping me honest, Ann. As we get ready for these two men to take the stage, I'd like to acquaint our viewers with the scoring system we'll be using for tonight's debate. The topic for tonight's debate will be domestic policy, which is expected to feature a strong focus on the economy. On other news stations, they will be providing you with real-time graphs and charts of what both undecided voters from battleground states and pundits are thinking. That's not good enough for WNN, where we've given Ann and Sarah a completely arbitrary points system, by which they can award points to either candidate whenever they make a good point in the debate.
AC: That's right, Waldo. Just by showing up to debate this domestic terrorist, I give John McCain 3 points.
SP: When John McCain was in a Vietnamese prison camp, he didn't have access to scoring systems and flashy push-button TV graphics.
W: That's a good point, Sarah.
SP: In fact, if I was John McCain, I'd come here right now and tell you 'No Thanks' to arbitrary scoring and evaluation systems. I'd sure he'd tell you 'No Thanks' to voting, and counting ballots. That's because he represents real change for America, from Wasilla to Anchorage and everywhere in-between.
 W: I hate to interrupt, but we are receiving news that CNN has just called Virginia for Obama, effectively sewing up the election with 277 electoral votes. The question I have for you, ladies, is does this diminsh the value of tonight's debate for potential undecided voters?
AC: Pfft. CNN has been in the bag for Obama since before he was even elected Senator. That's what happens when you run a network off pure white LIEberal guilt.
W: Right you are, Ann. Only time will tell what impact tonight's debate will have. With that said, what does John McCain have to do to win tonight's debate and try to rebound in the polls?
SP: Well, doggone it, Waldo, I don't think John McCain is behind in the polls. Americans realize John McCain is exactly where he wants to be, and once we start asking questions about why Obama needs to cling to a radical ideology like fanatical Islam, then Americans will realize that.
AC: Don't forget, Sarah, we're not allowed to tell America about the next Terrorist in Chief.
SP: Well gosh, I know nobody in Wasilla is named "Barack", we have real, American, God-fearing names like Tom, and Bob, and Track, and Trigger, and Knifehandle, and Broomstick, and Mooseknuckle.
W: As we count down the final 5 minutes before showtime, here, I'd like to take a moment to ask you, Gov. Palin, about what your feelings are on the American economy of late, and what sorts of steps you'd take to help the "Joe Sixpack's" of our country?
SP: Yeah, gosh, you know, its a hard time for Joe, and his wife Mary, and his two daughters Marlbora and Camela...
W: Excuse me, Governor, is Joe Sixpack a real person? I was under the impression that this was a name used to appeal to the "common voter".
SP: Oh no, Joe Sixpack had his name legally changed at the Wasilla Courthouse five years ago. The other day we were discussing his recipe for jerked Moose, in fact. Hi Joe!
W: Fascinating, and with that, Bob Schieffer has taken the stage, and its time to debate!
AC: Osama bin Hussein comes out in a Communist Red tie, point McCain.
W: The first question, unsurprisingly, about tax policies in the face of our current economic situation. McCain opens by thanking the crowd.
SP: When John McCain was in a POW camp, there was no crowd to thank.
AC: McCain is pointing out exactly the problem with the housing market: houses without floors. We've got to put floors in houses before they have value again.
W: I don't think that's what he meant, Ann. Now Obama gets a chance to--
SP: LALALALALALALA! CAN'T HEAR YOU!
AC: She seems to get it. If Barsama bin Obama-Qaeda says middle-class again I'm gonna puke up the gallon of Paul Begala's semen I drank before we came out here.
W: Oh, big moment here for McCain. He's bringing up the "Plumber Story" that has been floating around. McCain is hammering Obama on whether or not Joe Wertzleberger will be able to own his own plumbing business.
AC: That's right, Waldo. You LIEberals like to talk about giving health care to everyone, but poor Joe Wertzleberger won't be able to clean your shit if you do that, how does that feel?
SP: We had a Wertzleberger in Wasilla once...wait, that was a Weinerschnitzel...
W: McCain continues to hammer the notion of "spreading the wealth" of America, going so far as to call it class warfare. Will "Joe the Plumber" be this year's Wille Horton?
AC: That's stupid, Waldo, Joe the Plumber isn't a filthy criminal Democrat. He's a hard working American who cleans your shit. You'd probably rather give Willie Horton healthcare than let Joe the Plumber clean your shit.
SP: Maybe Obama has ties to Willie Horton, do we know? I don't know? You know?
W: Next question, how can McCain or Obama fund their proposals without raising taxes or exploding deficit spending.
AC: Al-Rack bin Sama-O'Liberal seems to think that we can rely on personal responsibility and people spending responsibly after we pull through our economic downturn. That's the LIEberal fallacy, the world needs ditch-diggers, too, Waldo. Preferably ditch-diggers with credit card addictions.
W: McCain seems to be giving a laundry list of things he supports, ranging from cutting pork barrel earmarks to supporting Brazilian ethanol.
AC: That's why John McCain is a maverick, Waldo. He supports lots of things, many of which he listed just now for the first time during this campaign, and did so without needing to explain, because you should just know he supports all of those things.
SP: Ya know, Wasilla Main Street certainly supports Brazilian ethanol, so long as we can prove that it is God's will. I propose we do this by weeding out all the witches from Brazil.
W: Now Schieffer asks the obvious question, do you have the balls to say the negative campaign rumors to each other's face. John McCain ties this all the lack of Town Hall debates, and also blames John Lewis for bringing a new level of racism to the campaign.
AC: Well he's right, John McCain hasn't ever bombed a church. All he's saying is what is on the tip of everyone's tongue, why is Barack Osama Hussein Stalin bin Hitler so blatantly a terrorist who pals around with the people who bombed us on 9/11?
W: Neither side seem to want to touch this topic directly, McCain blaming Obama for not taking public financing, and Obama wanting to talk about issues...
SP: You know what issue matters? Russia. John McCain has seen what its like to suffer at the hand of Communists, and without Alaska keeping us safe, we'd all be suffering from Communists.
W: Governor Palin, Obama is bringing up a direct question for you, why do you not stop your supporters from yelling things like "Kill Him" about Sen. Obama?
SP: Gosh, well, I'm a maverick, Waldo, and I believe that my son is over in Iraq right now figihting for their right to protest. If that protest means that they take a potshot at Sen. Obama, then well, as we say in Wasilla, the chicken egg doesn't get through a moose track without getting a little shitty.
AC: If Sen. Obama can't handle being shot at by God-fearing Americans, then maybe he'd be happier and safer over in the Middle East with his friends and allies.
W: Now we're asking a question that should be near and dear to your heart, Gov. Palin, essentially, why are the candidates proud of their running mates? Obama begins by touting Joe Biden's small-town roots, and ties to the middle class.
AC: Look at him not even talking about the lovely Sarah Palin, he knows she's far more qualified than Joe Biden.
SP: Shhhh, John McCain is speaking.
W: Did he just say "breasts of fresh air"?
AC: Typical filthy LIEberal hedenoist, here he is talking about her as a fresh face in Washington, and her work with special needs kids, and you hear breasts...either way, point McCain.
SP: I have nice breasts, and a great smile. I'll do great in the swimsuit portion of the election.
W: Coincidentally, as its getting a bit hot in here, Schieffer moves to climate change and global warming. The direct question: How much can we reduce our dependence on foreign oil. An odd starter, saying that we'll cut our oil imports from everyone but Canada.
SP: I live near Canada, I understand our foreign policy needs when it comes to imported oil...and maple syrup. Warm, sugary, syrupy goodness.
AC: Here goes Obama again, being a naysayer. "We can't drill our way out of the problem," well, I think Governor Palin can attest, there's a lot more drilling to be done here.
SP: Doggone it, you're right, Ann. I have invited the oil companies, many times, to drill my backyard, drill it deep.
AC: I'm glad you mentioned that, Sarah. I happen to be an "oil industry" insider, and I just happen to have an exploratory drill right under the desk. Later, we can discuss your policy on drilling more in depth.
W: A furious rebuttal by John--
AC: Waldo's not allowed to watch.
W: A new topic, not related to Gov. Palin's body parts: Healthcare.
AC: As if one left-wing wet-dream wasn't enough for you...
W: And now Joe the Plumber has returned to the debate, now being or not being able to provide health care for the workers he may or may not have.
AC: I don't see what you've got against Joe the Plumber, he'll probably be hiring illegals anyways, its like the liberal wet-dream trifecta. Think of all those new lives Joe the Plumber will be providing for!
W: Now Joe is rich, according to John McCain. Apparently--
SP: Joe Sixpack isn't a plumber, he's actually employed by Russian Organized Crime to make and distribute methamphetamines.
AC: See Waldo, John McCain makes a good point. The money should be in Joe the Plumber's pocket. If Joe doesn't like his local doctor, we should have the option to go anywhere across the United States for care. If Joe wants to fly across the country because he has a hangnail, we should reimburse him for travel costs, that's simple conservative economics and social welfare.
W: New question, litmus tests for Supreme Court nominees.
AC: Again, McCain shows strict conservativsm here in rejecting litmus tests.
SP: I have to agree with John McCain, litmus tests are merely some first-grade Toys R Us science. If elected, I promise to keep the Supreme Court free from witches, with the help of my congregation back home in Wasilla.
AC: "Nobody is for abortion," we all know that's a flat out lie. Obama gives partial birth abortions to white babies while raping their mothers and torturing their fathers, a page right out of the Democratic Party Platform.
W: And with that, we reach the final topic for the evening: How do we increase math and science scores in the United States?
AC: And again Obama concludes with "personal responsibility". This is indicative of liberal expansion of government. Barack al-Bama bin Muhommad wants to have the government mandate that parents take care of their children. You know what that leads to? Eugenics.
SP: I know all about personal responsibility as a parent, that's why I make sure all my kids stay virgins until marriage and that they and all their friends stay in school.
AC: That's exactly what you should be doing. If you listen to Obama, we're gonna end up with a bunch of PHD students having orgies and leading this country back to scientific prosperity with stem cells and abortions. If God wanted you to get a degree, he wouldn't have made you pregnant.
W: Both sides seem to be spending a lot of time talking about vouchers, why not just fix the public school system in depressed areas?
AC: Typical bleeding-heart solution. If parents want their kids to succeed, they should be willing to fight for vouchers. Preferably on television for all our amusement.
SP: Track isn't over in Iraq...hey, that rhymes. Track Iraq, Raq Track. TrackalackalackIraq...
W: And as the candidates wrap up their final statements, how have we scored the debate? Ann.
AC: 4769 to -7 for John McCain.
W: The machine doesn't count backwards.
AC: You'd think that, filthy left-wing Communist.
W: Sarah? How did you score the debate?
SP: Well, it was tough, Waldo. But I think I give Obama a C.
W: Well there you have it, the final tally 4769 to -7C for...somebody. For Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin this is Waldo, Good Night, and God Bless America.
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Last Updated: June 20, 2010 Copyright 2010 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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