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America Votes 2008, Day -1: T-Minus...Some hours, and counting.
Dateline - America November 3, 2008
Waldo: Greetings and welcome to WNN's up-to-the-minute coverage of the 2008 United States Presidential Election. Over the next two days, we'll be following the polls and returning election results, with the same up-to-the-minute analysis that you've come to expect from the Most Trusted Sexually Ambiguous Team on the Internet. Joining me, as always, WNN special contributor Ann Coulter.
Ann: How much longer are you going to continue humping this dead carcass of a premise?
Waldo: As long as we have to, Ann. As we begin our coverage, Ann, what do you think has been the defining moment of this campaign? A campaign that started, at least for Barack Obama, an astonishing 2 years ago.
Ann: Do I really have to do this, again?
W: The answer to that question, and more, after this break. Stay tuned to WNN.
W: Welcome back! The last few days have seen a spike in campaign spending and targetted ads, including a return to the topic of Rev. Jeremiah Wright. McCain Campaign supporters have begun running a new ad, in which they show video of Wright refering to the United States as the "United States of AmeriKKKa". My question, Ann, is will this become a new 'Willie Horton Ad'? A late-in-the-game surprise momentum changer for McCain?
A: Well, I think the only one who believes this is a surprise are your type of ultra left-wing ilk, Waldo. The rest of the country realizes Obama was sent here to destroy America.
W: So then you believe Obama has an ulterior motive in seeking the Presidency?
A: As if redistributing wealth isn't bad enough? Just look at his "wife". If there was ever the polar opposite of a good republican woman, she is it. All the way down to the "woman" part. Remember, this is coming from me.
W: I'm glad you mentioned Michele Obama, Ann. As Sen. Obama has come out saying that the attacks on his wife were, perhaps, the darkest moment of the campaign for him. What do you say to that?
A: Well, if he really wanted to avoid this sort of thing, he should have divorced her and married a rich, clean, African-American woman who would be more "presidential". Like Oprah, for instance. Look at John McCain, if he would have stayed married to that troll of a first-wife when he got back from Vietnam, there's no way he's the Republican Canidate for President this year, or ever.
W: Cruel, calculating analysis you won't find anywhere else. Stay tuned, to WNN!
W: Now joining us in the newsroom, McCain Campaign Chairman Rick Davis and Obama Campaign Manager David Plouffe. Welcome gentlemen, and to begin, going into the last day of campaigning, what do you believe is the most important message for your candidate to express to voters?
Davis: Well, Waldo, we believe, and have believed since the beginning, that this election is a referendum on Sen. Obama. Our campaign has never denied that Sen. Obama is a strong political force, and we are thankful that he has the charisma and personality to get a lot of voters on both sides energized for this election. But we believe that the important thing is that if Sen. McCain is victorious tomorrow, it will be a mandate. A mandate proving that substance and experience is the real way of change, not campaigning and likeability.
Plouffe: Thank you, Waldo, for inviting us here. I feel like this election, as Rick just mentioned, is a mandate. A mandate for change. A mandate that comes not from a referendum on Obama, but a referendum on the failed policies of President Bush.
D: How can you have a mandate on a referendum on someone who isn't actually running in this race?
P: It is a referendum because John McCain will continue those policies, even Vice President Cheney realizes that, the American public sees this as a referendum, which will provide us a mandate for change.
D: You're declaring a mandate based on a false referendum that doesn't grant you a mandate from that referendum.
P: You're trying to claim a mandate on failed policies, which I think--
D: MANDATE MANDATE MANDATE MANDATE--
P: REFERENDUM REFERENDUM REFERENDUM--
W: Alright, powerful arguments indeed. When we return, we'll check in with the Disembodied Spirit of Strom Thurmond, and much more!
W: So Ann, as we return, let's talk about Sen. John McCain for a moment. He is working hard these last hours before the polls officially open, hitting 6 states today. But with almost 33% of voters having already voted in early or absentee ballots, is this too little, too late?
A: You'd like to think that, I'm sure. But who are those 33% who are voting early? People too lazy to take the time to vote like hard-working, patriotic Americans have in the past. Also, they are increasingly people with access to technology and the means to understand how to vote early. All of these are likely Obama voters anyways. Once it comes right down to it, the 8 hour voting lines and broken machines in poor districts, coupled with a growing elderly populace with nothing better to do on Tuesday morning will mean that the only people who actually get to vote tomorrow are exactly the people John McCain expects to reach in the waning hours. Those being older voters who are afraid of change.
W: So you're saying its too early, despite the polling of early voters, to call this election for Obama?
A: Well, if it means I can leave and get back to molding my strapon in the shape of Sarah Palin, then sure, do what makes you happy.
W: For a different take on early voting, we turn now to Strom thurmond, reporting live from his plantation within the bowels of WV Senator Robert Byrd. Strom?
ST: Hell yes I'm here, and I am loving this early voting.
W: Well that's good to hear, Strom.
ST: It only makes me wish I still had corporeal slaves, so that I wouldn't have to not give them the day off to find out they'd been purged from the voter rolls.
W: Wow, that's quite a radical stand. What do you think, then, of Obama's gains this year in states such as Georgia, North Carolina, and even Virginia?
ST: Ah hell, I love it. Even as hard as you all limp, burdened hippies try to make us the minority, y'all still gotta dance for us to win the White House. The South has risen again!
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Last Updated: May 20, 2011 Copyright 2011 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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