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America Votes 2008, Day 0: Countdown to 2012
Dateline - America November 4, 2008
Waldo: Welcome back to day 2 of our live, up-to-the-minute coverage of the 2008 Presidential Election. We've been burning the midnight oil in order to bring you the finest coverage on the Internet. With me as always, Ann Coulter. Good morning, Ann, I trust you had a restful night's sleep.
Ann: Being as though we knocked off at noon yesterday and blatantly ignored the rest of the news cycle, yes.
W: Indeed! That's just the sort of dedication WNN supporters have come to expect. Stick with us throughout the day for updates and information about not only the Presidential race, but important Congressional races across the country. We'll be back, after this.
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W: Well fuck, Ann. We've been gone for roughly 6 hours, and there's not a damn thing to report on.
A: Maybe if you would have put some more forethought into this we wouldn't be sitting here with our dicks in our hands waiting for poll results.
W: We are getting the first round of exit poll data back, and it appears to be positive news for Obama, he is ahead among the 12% of voters who listed Iraq as their top issue, as well as garnering 72% of first time voters according to CNN. Here to comment on the incoming polls results is WNN's Panel of 13 Outspoken Pundits.
PoTOP: Thanks, Waldo. ABDSFLKDSJFLDSKFLSKDFAsdfsdfsaffdsfdsOBAMAsafdkjdsfkjdslkfjds fdfkdfkdjflkdsjlfjldsYOUNGVOTERSSADasdasdoiutoierytrMcCainowreiwuroiewut--
W: Very insightful, but how much of these exit polls, as well as the polls coming into the final days, could be a result of the so-called 'Bradley Effect', where voters will say they are voting for Obama, but can't go through with it in the voting booth?
PoTOP: POTYTROILKJNSFANFNMSD,MFSFHQ;PWEJMAFSNLATENTRACISMEWTIRUTOIREWQESANDFF; LSG;SGLJDSLKG!
A: This is possibly the dumbest thing we've ever done.
W: Indeed it is, Ann. We'll be back, possibly, as WNN presents America Votes 2008.
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W: Well polls are now closed across most of the Eastern United States, and things are falling about as expected. Most of the northeast, including Pennsylvania, appear to be falling for Obama. Much of the south appears to be falling for McCain, with the notable exceptions of North Carolina, Alabama, and Texas. These were three states that Obama had hoped to put into play for 2012, not necessarily for this election. Ann, what's your take on the early returns?
A: I'm halfway through this bottle of Oxy and 4 shots into my Jack Daniels, you might need someone to fill in for me. We're actually electing a Socialist negro...
W: Fair enough, Ann. Luckily, we happen to have a fill in here now. Flava Flav will be joining us for the remainder of the evening, as it appears Ann has slumped over and is now huddling comatose under the desk.
FF: Yeeeah G, this is some serious shit tonight, G.
W: Flava, what do you think the key to Obama's potential victory has been tonight? He appears to be gaining not only in the standard Democratic strongholds, but also in many states where he himself did not even expect to win this year, such as Texas.
FF: Yeah, G. You see, he's got broad based appeal. And not like broads as in broads, like I've got broads appeal, but he really appeals to the everyday G, G.
W: Do you think there is anything Sen. McCain could have done better to appeal to more voters, or do you feel that this election, as many have suggested, was merely a referendum on Obama and was his race to lose?
FF: Yeah, G. When McCain went and got Sarah Palin, G, he straight jumped out the jelly and into a jam, G. Yeah.
W: Panel of 13 Outspoken Pundits, what are your thoughts on the early returns?
PoTOP: RAWRABBLEKLSDJFJKDHFSDF SDKFHSDJKSDJHFKJASDHFASF SDKFJKLSDFJLKJDFKLSAD, you know?
W: We'll be here all night tracking returns, or at least until the race wars start. This is WNN.
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W: We continue to follow the election results, and Sen. Barack Obama continues to make it rain, both literally in many cases and figuratively in terms of electoral votes...
FF: Yeah, G. Make that shit rain, G.
W: Flava, how do you think the downpours across the west coast will affect voter turnout late in this election?
FF: Yeah, G, don't believe that hype, G. People love Obama and they are ready to get out and rock that vote, G.
A: ...aaaaaaargh...have we implemented Sharia yet?
W: Not yet, but I've ordered your burqa. But we are closing in on the magic number of 270, with Sen. Obama already locking up a projected 207 electoral votes with almost half the country left to weigh in. Flava, are we seeing a new division of the country, a breaking of the 'Southern Strategy' that has dominated politics for 20 years?
FF: ...Yeeeah, G. That shit is wack, G...you know what time it is? I always know what time it is, G, yeah.
PoTOP: DSFKLJSDFWEIRUWEOIRTUT DFIOUSDFGIUSDYDSFG who the fuck is this guy?
W: We'll be back with the best political team no money can buy, after this.
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W: We return with big news, Barack OBama has clinched Virginia. We'll get to Strom Thurmond for analysis in a moment, but with this victory, and projected victories in Democratic strongholds of California, Washington, and Oregon, Sen. Barack Obama is now President Barack Obama...
A: ...President Huuuuuuusssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeein!
W: Flava, welcome to...dare I say...the Black Planet?
FF: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaah booooooooooooooyyyyyyyyy! Black man plus white woman equals black president, G.
ST: I never thought I'd live to see the day where a black man not only claimed victory in Virginia, but also became President of the United States...and thnkfully I didn't.
W: Panel of 13 Outspoken Pundits?
PoTOP: ...at least its finally over.
W: For parting shots, we'd like to bring back Rick Davis and David Plouffe for their final thoughts on this campaign, Rick?
RD: Well, Waldo, when the final tallies are in, I think you'll see that this vote was a mandate. Not a mandate for Obama, rather, since everyone was projecting a landslidee, but a mandate for conservatism. We have still held onto the south, and the midwest, and that's a voice that President Hussein will have to listen to.
DP: ...are you serious? Fuck you, Rick.
W: We now leave you, as John McCain is speaking to his waning supporters...
FF: By the time he get to Arizona his pale ass gonna be toast, G. Yeeeeeeeeah.
W: From WNN, good night, and God bless America.
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Last Updated: June 20, 2010 Copyright 2010 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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