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America Votes 2(006): Congressional Boogaloo, Day -1
Dateline America - November 6, 2006
* = Not really Ann Coulter
** = Not really Hugo Chavez
W: Greetings and welcome to WNN's Midterm Election 2006 coverage. We
are one day away from what could possibly be one of the most
significant elections in recent memory. I am Waldo, and I will be
quarterbacking our coverage over the next two days. Joining me
for all the excitement will be WNN correspondant Ann Coulter*,
providing us with unique insight from the right.
AC*: Its a pleasure to be here, Waldo. I can't wait to see that smug
lieberal grin get wiped off your face by tomorrow night, when you're
nose deep in my victorious...
W: Thank you, Ann! Its 9am here on the left coast, and the last minute
push for votes has already begun. Our first stop today will be Florida,
where John McCain is visiting in support of Gubernatorial candidate
Charlie Crist.
(9:24am PST - McCain speech in Florida at Crist rally)
AC*: This Charlie Crist, he was the one who snubbed the President's offer
to come down and campaign. I don't understand that. I think living
down there with all those Cubans and Jews is causing some lieberal to
rub off on him.
W: That's an interesting take, Ann. What do you make of McCain's comment
just now about Crist's campaign manager running a "better 'Get Out the
Vote' campaign than Al Capone"? I think that's a very honest admission
from McCain. Its not often that we get a candidate that open about vote
fraud.
AC*: That's just more of your left wing fearmongering. John McCain is
a team player. If you forgive the interracial adoptions and the fact that
he broke under Vietnamese torture and probably cost us the war in Vietnam,
then he's really a good man.
W: But not half the man you are. What do you think about John McCain's
posture. Could he possibly be the most awkward looking Republican since
Bob Dole and his pen-holding?
AC*: I think that is an unfair question, Waldo. That's just the kind of
treasonous strawman that you lieberals always try to attack us with. Why
don't you stick to the issues here. The fact is, we've got a man in
Charlie Crist who would rather cavort around with Benedict Arnold here than
our own President. I really could care less about this race.
W: In that case Ann, let's move up the coast to Virginia, where incumbant
Senator George Allen is battling with Democrat Jim Webb.
(9:40am PST - Senator George Allen Rally)
W: Senator Allen, you'll remember, is the man who infamously referred to
a political opponent as a 'Macaca'. What place do you feel these types of
racial slurs hold in Republican politics, Ann?
AC*: Why do you refer to them as "slurs"? The man was a macaca, was he not?
Why is it a "slur" when a Republican says it? The truth isn't slanderous.
W: You may be right, Ann. In fact, Allen has surrounded himself at this
rally with notable ex-football stars Deacon Jones and Roger Brown, two members
of the LA Rams "Fearsome Foursome". He also has a former NAACP president.
I guess he's using the "I'm not racist, I've got some black friends" card.
AC*: See, I told you. A macaca is a macaca is a macaca. I can't say that
I support his appearance with black supporters, however. But I guess if
it allows us to defeat the Demoncrats then the ends justify the means. As,
he just said, "You can tell a lot about a man by the people standing with
him". He's got, what do you lieberals call it, "street cred". Right?
W: Street cred indeed, Ann. Allen seems to be a big supporter of children,
and is emphasizing education and giving our children a bright future. Do
you think this could possibly be another Mark Foley situation?
AC*: Again with the slander and lieberal lies! Its simple, children will
vote like their parents. If we can exchange one black voter, for one
upper middle class pre-adolescent voter, then that's a trade that we as
the Republican Party will take every time.
W: Well put, Ann. We're going to move now to Connecticut, where Green Party
Gubernatorial Candidate Richard Duffy will be speaking shortly. Duffy,
you'll remember has been campaigning on a platform of comparing the Bush
Administration to the Nazis, even going so far as to say that we should
"pay reparations to the Iraqis like the Nazis did to the Jews"...
AC*: That is absolutley ludicrous! Its not like we're over there melting
down Iraqi fillings for Jew gold or something. That claim is outrageous.
W: Indeed, perhaps we won't go to Connecticut. I think this campaign is
one of the few across the nation that would make you look sane. Instead,
let's go back to Washington, where Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is
holding a press conference on transnational crime.
AC*: I like Gonzales. This is a man who knows how to satisfy a woman.
Let me tell you, waterboarding isn't just for Al Qaeda captives.
W: I'm speechless.
(10:40am - Attorney General Conference on Transnational Crime)
W: Gonzales seems to have been rather impressed by his visit to The Hague,
the seat of international law. Do you think he will be getting a chance to
go back after he and the Bush Administration are tried for war crimes?
AC*: I'm not even going to answer that. My fingers are busy thinking about
waterboarding.
W: There's some things you can't un-see, Ann. I think this is one of them.
With that in mind, I do believe it is time for a station break, but stay with
us for more Election Day -1 coverage, after this!
(WNN station break)
W: Welcome back, just in time for Ann to get back from the washroom and us to
visit Connecticut for Sen. Joe Lieberman's rally.
AC*: Ah, going to cannibalize one of your own lieberal ilk, Waldo?
W: Indeed, Ann. Sen. Lieberman seems to be spending a lot of time discussing
the dangers of dependance on foreign oil, even going so far as to say that
breaking this dependance could "lead us to not do some things that we do
because of our dependance." Further that because of our need for oil, that
we "fund both sides of the conflict [in the Middle East]". Do you find this
stance to be odd, given his past support for Israel? Does he not realize
that without oil, we wouldn't be spending billions propping up our only
ally?
AC*: Typical Homocrat question. Israel isn't about oil. Israel is about
defeating people who are brown. Even if oil didn't factor into it, then there's
still tremendous upside to backing Israel's quest to eliminate Islam. Get
your head on straight, Waldo.
W: How could I ever have been so misguided, Ann. We are down to the two marquee
events of the evening: President Bush's stop in Arkansas, and Jim Webb's
rally in the battleground of Virginia. What are you looking forward to tonight, Ann?
AC*: Tonight? Nothing. But tomorrow I'll be looking forward to strapping
on this 14 inch dildo and showing you some good, old-fashioned, Coulter
Victory Sodomy!
(2:15pm President in Arkansas)
W: Just so long as I'm not waterboarded, I'm sure I'll survive. Let's head
to Arkansas, where the President's plane has just landed to the tune of Toby
Keith. Ann, why Toby Keith?
AC*: I'm sure you would prefer he gets off the plane to some of that derkaderka
boolakakakaka music right? Why NOT Toby Keith?
W: Point taken, Ann. And as the President walks toward the podium, they've
changed to Neil Diamond's - Coming to America. Do you think this song has
anything to do with President Bush's policy of amnesty...
AC*: "Amnesty for illegal immigrants"? You think you're so clever don't you?
That's not funny.
W: President Bush is, of course, stumping for Governor Asa Hutchinson, who
the President says "never lost his Arkansas values" even while in Washington.
Does this mean that Hutchinson is still married to his second cousin?
AC*: Is that an Arkansas value? Then I guess Bill Clinton lost his when he
married his prize swine.
W: Bah-zing. Now, President Bush seems to be making a big issue out of
Iraq and security policy, as is expected, even though Hutchinson is a Governor
and not directly involved in such things. Do you think this is a mistake?
AC*: Why? The people of Arkansas probably don't know that.
W: Point well taken, Ann. What do you make of Bush's emphasis on the importance
of service? Saying that "its important to put service ahead of self" certainly
seems to beg the question about what service Bush himself has endured.
AC*: You say that as if doing lines of coke while being AWOL from the National
Guard is an easy task, Waldo.
W: I suppose its not, Ann. Now, Bush just used the word "prognosticators" and
the word "prognosticate" in rapid succession when referencing the polls. Going
so far as to mock the "prognosticators" who "prognosticated" before the 2004
election that Bush would be ousted. Do you think he is proud of his newfound
literacy, or did Karl Rove just teach him that word on the plane ride in?
AC*: Laugh all you want, Waldo. As long as Diebold is on our side, then who
cares about literacy.
W: Great point, Ann, which allows me to spotlight our special guest commentator
tomorrow: Hugo Chavez**. Chavez** will be in the studio tomorrow to discuss his
country's role in hijacking our elections and undermining our economy, don't
miss it!
AC*: Oh I won't, because you're paying me to be here.
W: Bush seems to be fixated on asking his Democratic challengers on Iraq policy,
"What's Your Plan?" I don't remember hearing a plan from President Bush, however,
do you, Ann?
AC*: Its "stay the course" you "cutter and runner". You remember that. Wait, I
forgot, as of last week it is "Adapt to Win". Which seems like a sound strategy to
me.
W: Indeed, any strategy that includes the word "win" must be good. One last question,
as the President makes his way back to Air Force One. This crowd in Arkansas, if it
was any whiter it would be a snowstorm. Have you ever seen an audience so white, Ann?
AC*: What did you expect, this is Arkansas, not the People's Republic of California,
or Loos Anheleees or however you lieberals say it.
W: Well put, Ann. We move finally back to Virginia, where candidate Jim Webb is
rallying his supporters. In attendence are Former President Bill Clinton, Minority
Leader Harry Reid, and many more prominent Democrats. In fact, presenting Webb is former
governor Bob Kerry, who seems to find the idea of Dick Cheney inducting Webb humorous.
AC*: You Democrats love the "Go Fuck Yourself" jokes, don't you?
W: Yes we do, Ann. That's a dead horse I will beat all night long.
AC*: you're used to beating things all night long...by yourself...to goat porn...
(3:10pm - Webb in Virginia)
W: Former President Clinton has taken the podium, and seems to be commenting on
Republican campaign tactics.
AC*: I don't understand it really, is he trying to imply something negative? He just said
that our goal was to "drive African American voter turnout below 25%", and that "if we get
African American voter turnout below 25% then we can win." Is there something wrong with
that?
W: Not in the least, Ann. Nothing like disenfranchised voters to swing an election.
AC*: What was that crack about "only vote for the candidates that you are legally eligible
to vote for, I'm not Republican"? This is more Lieberal propaganda...
W: I'm sure he's just applauding some of the best campaigning we've had since Al Capone's
day, Ann. What do you think about Clinton's statement that the Republican campaign platform
is one of "if you vote for my opponent then he will tax you into the poor house. On the
way to the poor house you'll be attacked by a terrorist on every corner, and while you're
running away you'll trip over an illegal immigrant."?
AC*: Are you implying that there's anything wrong with that strategy? Its true isn't it?
This gets back to you lieberals and not understanding that the truth isn't slander. Treasonous
cowards.
W: Well, as President Clinton leaves the stage, that about wraps up our coverage of Election
Day -1, 2006. Please join Ann Coulter* and myself tomorrow with special guest Hugo Chavez**,
bringing you election results as they happen! Until then for Ann Coulter, this is Waldo,
good night.
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Last Updated: August 5, 2010 Copyright 2010 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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