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America Votes 2(006): Congressional Boogaloo 2: Zero Hour
Dateline America - November 7, 2006
* = Not really Ann Coulter
** = Not really Hugo Chavez
W: Welcome to Day 0 of our America Votes 2(006) coverage. I am
Waldo, joined at the desk yet again by special correspondant
Ann Coulter. Welcome back, Ann.
AC*: Thank you, Waldo.
W: Its 8:36am here on the left coast, which means the polls back
East are nearing mid-day. I don't know about you, Ann, but I'm
all a-twitter to check in on the action.
AC*: Oh, I'm all a-twitter alright. I'm twitching with anticipation.
W: Try to keep it in your pants, Ann. We'll be covering the
action all day, so make sure to check back in with us as throughout
the day for America Votes 2(006).
(break; 9:08am - Voter Intimidation and Technical glitches)
W: Welcome back! The polls have opened, amid mixed results. We're
receiving reports that in the early morning hours, many precincts,
particularly in Indiana and Ohio, two hotly contested battlegrounds,
have had technical issues with their voting machines. Precincts in
Florida have reportedly responded to similar issues by resorting to
paper ballots. What do you think, Ann, normal technical hurdles,
or harbinger of impending electoral doom?
AC*: Well, Waldo, I think, yet again, your Lieberal overlords have
scared you into a state of irrational paranoia. This is technology,
and in many cases new, relatively untested technology. There will
be hurdles to overcome, and making people wait outside for hours,
many times in the rain, will in no way make them give up and go back
to work without voting.
W: That's an interesting point, Ann. What about those people who are
trying to vote before work, or perhaps on their lunches? Is it really
fair to possibly make people stand in line for hours to vote if they
have limited time?
AC*: That's their own fault. If these people had jobs, or, heaven
forbid, own their own businesses here in the land of the entrepreneur,
instead of doing the least amount of work possible and living off the
lieberal welfare system, then maybe they wouldn't have to worry about
taking the extra time it takes to vote.
W: Disenfranchisement, its the Republican way?
AC*: We went over this yesterday. Even Bill Clinton, your lieberal
God, realizes it. Republicans win when blacks stay home, its that
simple.
W: I couldn't have said it any better myself, and that segueways perfectly
into our next topic. The FBI is allegedly investigating possible voter
intimidation in the battleground of Virginia. Intimidating phone
calls threatening that voters will be "arrested" at voting sites have
apparently been made, and flyers with the message "Skip this Election"
have apparently been circulated around many inner city and urban
neighborhoods throughout Virginia. Republican officials are denying
any involvement. What is your take, Ann?
AC*: Well, its all a part of the strategy, Waldo. Besides, who
would really be afraid of being arrested at the voting booth?
If you aren't a criminal, then why would you fear being arrested?
Then again, it seems like there's a lot of "fear" in these
neighborhoods, so maybe that says something about them.
W: Indeed, Ann. Is that the "compassionate conservative" at work?
AC*: Well, its true that we don't want these criminals to get caught
on voting day, so that's compassionate right? But if they have to
stay home and not vote, then that contributes to the magic number,
"25%". Its a win win.
W: We'll be back, with more America Votes 2(006): Congressional
Boogaloo converage, after this short break.
(break; 10:42am Election monitors)
W: Welcome back to WNN's all-day coverage of America Votes 2(006).
I am Waldo, beside Ann Coulter*, bringing you complete coverage as
Americans head to the polls. Now Ann, on a more serious note, we
know how important it is to protect democracy, and ensure that
elections are held fairly and that everyone's vote matters...
AC*: Well, lieberals sure seem to think so.
W: Right, of course I speak from the liberal left, but apparently
the Attorney General's office agrees, as they have sent 850 poll
watchers to 22 states to monitor voting booths. This is in stark
contrast to the 2004 elections, when *international* monitors were
blocked from polls across America, including Ohio. Does this signify
a change in attitude from the Bush Administration as far as making
sure that the perception of these election results is positive?
AC*: That is a ludicrous question. America is the beacon of
freedom across the world. Why would we let foreign influences into
our voting booths? Our guest later today, Senor Chavez, is a
perfect example of why we shouldn't let international influences
affect our elections. I mean, who would appoint these observers, the
UN? Al Qaeda? Is that what you lieberals want? Illegal imiigrants
and terrorists in charge of counting the ballots? I'm sure Attorney
General Gonzales and his army of watchers will do a far better
job.
W: Let's just hope they left the waterboards at home, Ann. Nothing
says, "Every vote counts", like waterboarding Democratic voters and
minorities. As we move toward the lunch hour here on the left coast,
it is a perfect time to remind our viewers that the ballot counting
starts in a matter of hours, so please stay tuned.
AC*: Unless you're in a Diebold district, in which case the ballots
have already been counted, of course.
W: Correct you are, Ann. But coming up later this afternoon, we'll
be inviting Hugo Chavez into the studio as WNN continues its day-long
coverage of America Votes 2(006).
(break; 12:27pm - Democratic Briefing)
W: Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) is speaking now in Washington, trying
to rally voters in the last few hours. Ann, Schumer believes that
voters are "cutting and running from Bush". Do you believe that
today's election results will prove that clever turn of phrase?
AC*: Ahh, Schumer, always the cunning linguist. Well, I believe that
American voters will stay the course today. No, wait, I believe
that voters will adapt to win. They aren't ready to admit defeat at
the hands of the Republican party, and are willing to fight, and
adapt to win, and defeat...wait...
W: According to Schumer, its raining in Eastern Tennesee, which is
traditionally a Republican stronghold, is this a sign that God is
against the Republican party?
AC*: I don't believe God wants the white daughters of patriotic
Americans to be raped by illegal imiigrants and terrorists while
watching black gay porn, so no, I don't think he is pro-Democrat.
W: Fair enough, Ann. But I must interrupt, we have breaking news
now. In an event that threatens to turn this Election Day 2(006)
upside down, it is being reported that Britney Spears and Kevin
Federline are getting divorced. I am speechless.
(1:40pm - Britney and K-Fed)
AC*: I really have to question the timing of this. Is this another
lieberal attempt to steal headlines away from their drubbing and
defeat at the hands of the Republicans today? It seems like some
sort of smokescreen.
W: What effect do you think this will have on voter turnout today?
Do you think that Americans will stay home, paralyzed by this
turn of events? Fox News appears to be giving this story a lot
of banner space. Are they hoping to keep voters home?
AC*: Well, due to their limited appeal outside the South, I'm
not sure that this will have the desired affect of keeping blacks
home. Time will only tell, however; I am leaning toward lieberal
smokescreen.
W: Smokescreen or no, this gives new life to my dream of one day
doing Ms. Spears in the ass. Britney, call me.
(3:40pm - Polls about to close)
W: We shift gears now back to the election, as polls will soon close
in many key states including Virginia, Indiana, and Kentucky, where
earlier today one poll worker was arrested for assault for allegedly
choking one would-be voter.
AC*: We tried to warn you that voting Democrat leads to more
violence. But apparently that voter didn't listen.
W: Perhaps you are right, Ann. But as we edge closer to 7pm Eastern
time, when the ballots will be counted, we'd like to invite a guest
into the studio. A man who should be no stranger to Americans.
Further, a man who's government is rumored to be conspiring to
undermine American democracy and our economy, the 53rd President of
Venezuela, Hugo Chavez. And we will do that, after this break.
You are watching America Votes 2(006): Congressional Boogaloo, on
WNN.
(break; 4:29pm - CNN calls West Virginia)
W: And we're back, and just like that, we've already missed the
first called race from CNN. Only 29 minutes into the count, with
0% of precincts reporting, CNN has called the West Virginia Senate
race for incumbent Democrat Byrd. Ann, how does this make you feel?
AC*: Probably about the same as I felt when you lieberals called
Florida for Al Gore in 2000. You'd think your ilk would stop doing
stupid shit like this.
W: Touche. We're now joined in the studio, as promised, by Hugo
Chavez, welcome Mr. President.
HC**: Its a pleasure to be here, Waldo.
W: Now Hugo, I'm dying to know. Your government has invested
heavily in voting machine companies in preparation for today, do
you plan on launching any "November surprises" tonight?
HC**: Ha ha, well, Waldo, if I told you then it wouldn't be a
surprise now would it? In all honesty, any outcome that puts
confusion and contention to the forefront of American politics is
beneficial for us in Venezuela. Go, Democrats! Ha ha.
W: It sounds like Venezuela is taking a passive tack on our
elections, why would you invest in our voting machine companies if
you weren't up to something?
HC**: Oh, I never said that. Remember, 90% of influence is
perception. We just want to make sure Americans have ample reason
to doubt the outcome of the vote so that your next government
is illegitimate in the eyes of many.
AC*: Hah, you sound like a lieberal.
HC**: Well, I assure you Ann, I'm not all sugar and spice, I can
be quite facist at times too.
W: So Hugo, we're counting, CNN is deciding who is winning, and
that appears to be the Democrats, what do you think of Nancy Pelosi
possibly being the Speaker of the House?
AC*: Hah, I'll show her who has the biggest cock inside the
beltway.
HC**: My, what a fiery partner you have here, Waldo. I have
not had the chance to meet Rep. Pelosi personally, but I am a
firm admirer of any woman in a position of power. What is the
phrase from the movie? I believe 'A Few Good Men', about blowjobs
from women in power? There is nothing better.
W: I certainly can't argue with that, Hugo. This just in, our
program director has reminded me that Guitar Hero 2 releases today,
and has just been delivered to the green room. So with that, I
think its time for a station break. Hugo?
HC**: Lovely, lovely, I love these Playstations. Besides, I already
know how the votes will be counted, haha. Am I kidding? Who knows.
W: We'll be back, with more coverage of America Votes 2(006).
(gh2 break; 8:35pm - Democrats Taking Over)
W: We are back. And just as Trogdor comes in the night, it appears
that the Democrats have come in the night to take back control of the
House, and possibly challenging for the Senate. Let's go to the
numbers:
House: Democrats projected to pick up 19 seats, with 107
seats undecided. Which would give them control, and
much to the dismay of conservatives everywhere,
allow Nancy Pelosi to become the first woman
Speakeress of the House.
AC*: I know I will be having nightmares tonight.
HC**: Now you know how your viewers fell.
W: Hi-yo. In the Senate, the numbers are closer with the Democrats
projected to pick up 3 seats with 6 still undecided. They need to
pick up 6 to gain control of the senate.
AC*: Wipe that smug smile off your face.
W: Let's go to Pennsylvania, where Sen. Rick Santorum and Rep. Curt
Wheldon were both up for re-election. Cnn projecting both will be
removed from office by a 60% or greater percent. Ann, Hugo, do you
think that voters finally came to their senses and realized that
these two were batshit insane?
AC*: I'm speechless.
HC**: I actually liked Rick Santorum. I like anyone who's name
doubles as an anal sex term. If only someone would coin the phrase
"pulling a Coulter" then perhaps I'd be more supportive of Ann.
W: "Pulling a Coulter", that reminds me of something from The
Crying Game. And yes, I will be sad to see Santorum go. I'm
just glad Ted Kennedy is still there, otherwise I wouldn't have
any material after tomorrow morning.
AC*: Some would argue you never had any to begin with.
W: They, quite possibly, are right. Ann, a hotly contested
battleground in Virginia appears to be going right down to the
wire, with Sen. George Allen and Democratic candidate Jim Webb
too close to call. If Webb holds on to his slim lead, and Sen.
Conrad Burns loses to Democrat Jon Tester in Montana, we could
be headed for a 50/50 split in the Senate.
AC*: At least we have Dick Cheney.
W: Very true, does this give Vice President Cheney more power
over the Senate?
AC*: I think it does, and if I was one of your lieberal buddies
in the Senate, I would be crapping myself over the prospect
of having Dick Cheney presiding over a 50/50 Senate.
HC**: We might have to coin a new term, the "Go Fuck Yourself"
Congress.
W: Hugo Chavez, he'll be here all night, tip your waitress.
HC**: Haha
AC*: Can you run that joke any further into the ground?
W: If Dick Cheney becomes the deciding vote in the Senate on
enough issues, I'm sure I will give it a run for the money, Ann.
But let's take a look at the Governor's races, specifically
Florida and Arkansas, two places we visited yesterday. Charlie
Crist, in Florida, shunned President Bush in favor of John
McCain and wins. Asa Hutchinson accepts the President in his
state and loses. Does this possibly show the negative effect
of the President's policies on these races?
AC*: I think President Bush should kick Florida out of the
United States. That's what I think it shows.
W: We take you now to Virginia, where Sen. George Allen is
preparing to make a speech, although at this time we're not
sure if it is an acceptance or a concession speech.
AC*: Keep it in your pants, Waldo. Nobody's lost yet.
HC**: This is amazingly tense. He seems too happy to be
conceding a race.
W: "We're still counting votes" It doesn't sound like this
is going to end happily. "The counting will continue through
the night and into tomorrow", shades of Al Gore in Virginia,
perhaps?
AC*: Nobody's calling the Supreme Court yet.
HC**: Don't look at me either, they don't use our machines.
W: Correct, in fact they vote on machines sold by Hart
InterCivic, a Texas-based company, which of course begs the
question...
AC*: Take the tinfoil off, Waldo.
W: Perhaps a good idea, as it appears Montana will break for
Tester and the Democrats, Missouri being too close to call, and
Virginia heading for a lengthy recount, Sen. Allen is going
to bed, and so will we. Ann, parting shot?
AC*: I guess your rectum survives for another election cycle.
W: Thank god for that, Hugo?
HC**: Enjoy it now, when we switch oil exports to the Euro
your economy will be in chaos.
W: Indeed. For WNN, this is Waldo, overseeing a Democrat
victory in the 2006 midterm election, signing off.
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Last Updated: August 5, 2010 Copyright 2010 - Infinity, Waldo News Network. All Rights Reserved.
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